Have you had a friend who’s a smoker? Have you given them “the lecture” about how bad smoking is for them, how much it’s going to cost and how disgusting it smells? You’ve probably experienced the frustration as they sit back, take another draw on their cigarette and say “I know” but don’t want to do anything about it.
Today’s article reveals the secret behind what’s really going on in a smoker’s mind and how this can help you with relationships.
When I was in my mid teens I hated smokers. I thought it was disgusting and people who smoked were crazy. Until one evening when I was 17, quite drunk and had a draw on a cigarette to show my mates how horrid it was. Oh how that one moment changed my life. I ended up actually liking the sensation and found that I quickly joined the “cool crowd” who were smokers.
The crazy thing is, that we’d lost a few people in our family due to smoking related illnesses and diseases but I still became a smoker. So why would that single night turn me into a smoker who found it next to impossible to quit?
The answer is deep the mind of all smokers (and non-smokers). It’s something that we’ve all heard about but probably don’t know it’s significance. It’s the ONE THING that, according to all the research, drives 90% of our behaviour. Knowing how to conquer this is a major key to getting what you want in life.
That ONE THING is your unconscious mind (UCM).
Really you say? What on earth does this have to do with smokers and relationships?
The UCM is the thing that drives you to achieve its outcomes. Notice I said “its outcomes.” You see, most smokers that I’ve worked with have one thing in common – they started smoking in high school and got some positive benefit from it.
When you’re in high school, you’re generally pretty vulnerable so something like “when I smoked I was part of the cool crowd” is a huge positive outcome. Whenever a smoker sees a cigarette, their UCM associates that cigarette with the outcome of “being cool”, or “connecting with other people” or “feeling rebellious.”
Remember, the UCM is also 90% more powerful than the conscious mind – that’s why it feels like such a struggle for smokers – it’s driving you to reach that positive outcome of “being cool” or “being rebellious”. The UCM usually wins, especially when there’s alcohol involved.
So that explains why the majority of smokers continue to smoke, even though they know all the negatives – their very powerful UCM is simple trying to achieve an outcome.
Now the same thing applies with relationships. Every behaviour in a relationship is just that person’s unconscious mind trying to achieve a positive outcome. I’ve worked with people who seem to constantly scream and yell at each other, then when the heat of the argument cools they say sorry then go and make love for 2 hours. Their UCM is actually just trying to achieve connection and love, it just takes the long way to get there.
So why does this happen?
Our UCM is completely open when we’re young and a lot of our behviours and beliefs are formed before we’re 7 years old. The funny thing is that most people are living life as an adult based on the programming and interpretation of a child. Hence why when the pressure’s on, a lot of people can exhibit seemingly “childish” behaviour. These behaviours and beliefs are stored in the UCM which drive the majority of what you do as an adult.
A classic example is the child who is yelled and hit by their parents. From the parent’s point of view this is a completely normal way to achieve discipline. To the child, they might form a belief of “I’m not worthy” or “my parents don’t love me.”
There are a myriad of child-based beliefs and behaviours that stay in our UCM as an adult AND they generally find their way into a relationship in adult life. So there you go, that’s why there can be behaviours in your (or a friend’s) relationship that you sometimes just can’t explain and no matter how hard to try – just can’t seem to stop.
So what to do now?
If you’re really committed and ready to sort this stuff out and improve your relationship OR if you’re single and want to ready yourself as much as possible when you find your dream partner – then you’ve got to bring in a third party who’s trained in this type of work.
Most relationship coaches have the ability to draw out AND eliminate major childhood beliefs and behaviours in a few very brief sessions.
If would like to know more, register for one of our live events or online webinars.